The Voice I Thought I Lost

 

Me, 17 years old

All my childhood and teens I sang, sang all the time. Played guitar. Music was the thing that brought me to life, and I wanted nothing more than to buy a PA system and join a band. The singers I listened to shaped my style. Grace Slick, Tina Turner, Ann Wilson, Janis Joplin, Janis Ian, Joni Mitchell.

My dad always encouraged me in my music, always asked me to play and sing for him, always got happy when I learned a new song or wrote one. He especially loved that. He gifted me my Harmony Sovereign for Christmas when I was twelve and paid for guitar lessons twice a week for several years. He was my biggest fan.

When I was fourteen I won a school wide talent show singing the 59th Street Bridge Song by Simon and Garfunkel and accompanying myself on my Harmony Sovereign guitar. That was the kind of kid I was. Music was where I lived.

I would watch the street musicians in Harvard Square, hungering to be playing, but too damn self conscious to even consider it. Then one day I was really high on weed and very relaxed, and I started singing along with a musician who was playing John Prine's Angel From Montgomery. The reaction of the other people listening, and the musician asking me to join him in more songs, opened the floodgates and made me feel like performing publicly would be a fun thing to do.

I set my future ambition to be a professional musician, to sing, to play music, to share the joy of melody with the world.

In my mid teens, I would play music in Harvard Square. I never put my guitar case out for donations because I was too self-conscious about it, I just played for me and my friends. Sometimes, though, somebody would walk up and hand me fifty cents or a dollar. That was coffee money!

Patti and I usually just hung out with our friends, smoking joints behind Out of Town News, getting coffee at the Mug and Muffin, playing music in the Pit, and generally having a good time. Those were the years when I thought music was going to carry me forward forever.

Then came the car wreck when I was seventeen. I went through the windshield and took three hundred stitches to my forehead. My throat slammed into the edge of the dash. Paralyzed one of my vocal cords. I couldn't sing for more than one or two songs after that before my throat would hurt bad, and I would start hitting bad notes. Me, who has perfect pitch. It was devastating. My hoped for future career was up in smoke, I had an immense scar on my forehead, and I had no hopes any more.

Over the years, I gave up singing for the most part. It was too emotionally painful.

As my voice got rougher and weaker, I fell into depression about singing and wouldn't even try, which probably resulted in helping my voice get progressively worse, along with the pack a day habit. Heavy smoking, injury, never using my voice, it went really bad. I was croaking when I sang Happy Birthday or whatever. It was bad. It felt like something that used to be mine had slipped away and I could not get it back.

Well… lately I have been singing along with the radio. I am also singing while I practice ukulele. And my voice is improving. I have my projection back. I am on key. I can sing a little longer every day.

And I am blown away.

I am not going to be a big rock star, not at 61 years old and in poor health, but I have my music back. 

Yesterday, Sam told me I was sounding pretty good. 

My heart soared.

Who has time to be bored? Not me!

Today was not really an art day. I diddled around with the Gimp for about an hour, then my writing muse slapped me upside my head. I have written six articles for my blog today about all kinds of things:

• Impeaching Trump 
• Chicago and Music being in my bones
• A bit about a portmanteued proverb I love 
• One about nicotine addiction
• One about god, or the idea of god, or whatever
• And this one, which only kind of counts

It was a productive day.

I really am an eclectic freak. Playing uke and recorder, doing digital art and zentangle and making jewelry, and writing from my gut. Between all that, I talk to people, make new friends, share a gazillion memes, play computer games, and more. And when I go to bed, I read for at least an hour before turning out the light.

I don't have time to be bored. Considering that I'm basically housebound and can't really leave my bedroom due to the difficulty involved in hauling my carcass from room to room, my life is incredibly rich and full.

I am a very fortunate old crone.

If There Is a God, Explain This

I have started to wonder if maybe I believe in something bigger than me. Not in the churchy, hymn and halo way, but in the quiet, exhausted way you reach for a blanket when the world feels too sharp. Sometimes the idea of a god is comforting. Not because I am convinced, but because the alternative is feeling like I am free falling through a universe that does not care if I land...

The Cravings Never Really End

Nicotine Is Insidious.

I just spent five stupid minutes going full tornado, ripping through my desk like I was searching for state secrets. Lifting papers, opening drawers, rifling like a woman possessed.

Looking for my fucking cigarettes.

My cigarettes.

I quit smoking two years and five weeks ago.  

There is no nicotine in this house.  

There has not been for a long damn time.

And yet my brain still tried to run the old script:  

"Quick! Check under that pile of junk mail! Maybe Past You stashed a pack for Future You, like some deranged nicotine Easter Bunny!"

D'OH.

Nicotine is a sneaky little bastard. It shows up at the weirdest moments, taps you on the shoulder, and whispers, "Hey... remember how good we were together?" 

And I swear, for about ten seconds, or ten minutes depending on how stressed I am, I would absolutely throw hands for a smoke.

But here is the thing:  

I am not losing this fight.  

Not today, not ever.
Never fucking EVER!

Cigarettes are banned from this house like cursed artifacts. My brother, who still smokes, has to keep his pack in the car and trek a hundred feet to the designated exile chair. That is the rule. That is the boundary. That is how I keep myself safe.

I am stealing a line from my friend and webqueen, Maggie:  

I am not an ex smoker.  

I am a smoker in recovery.

And recovery is a permanent condition, but so is my stubbornness.

Nicotine can try me, but it is not getting back in. Fuck that.

Proverbs and Portmanteaus

 

Years ago, I intentionally combined two sayings into one portmanteau proverb:

If wishes were fishes, then beggars would ride.

A combo of "If wishes were fishes we'd all cast nets", and "If wishes were horses then beggars would ride".

I say it a lot, so much so that my kids use it frequently.

The Dogs Who Built My Life - A Poem

Connor in front, Romeo behind

I was raised in a house where dogs

were not pets but storylines.

Flockie, fierce little guardian,

patrolling the borders of childhood.

Ollie, the Wonder Dog,

half giant, half myth,

all heart,

the one who walked beside me

like he had been assigned the job by the universe.

Heidi, wild and bright,

a fugitive with sheep’s wool on her breath

and summers in Nova Scotia in her bones.

Gunther, the one puppy miracle,

proof that even small dogs

can write big legends.

And then came the ones who shaped

the in between years,

the ones who carried me forward

when life shifted under my feet.

Lulu, my heart dog,

the little dachshund who loved me

with a devotion that left a hollow

when she was gone.

Her absence was a wound

I did not know how to close

until Romeo arrived

and stitched it gently,

one heartbeat at a time.

Murphy, the tiny poodle

with the soul of a knight,

who lived twenty one long years

and would have taken a bullet for me

without hesitation.

I loved him,

but not the way he loved me,

and that truth still tugs at me

like a thread I never tied off.

Sid Vicious,

whose name was a lie

and whose only violence

was the ferocity of his fetch obsession.

A dog who believed joy

was something you chased

and brought back proudly

again and again.

And now, the pack that fills my home

and my days

and the spaces I did not know

were still empty.

Romeo, my heart dog,

the one who looks at me

like he remembers every lifetime

we have ever shared.

Cubby, my little buddy,

joy wrapped in fur,

a shadow with a wagging tail.

Connor, my sweet and fragile boy,

who learned safety in my hands

and taught me softness in return.

Rocco, borrowed but belonging,

folded into the pack

as naturally as breath.

These dogs,

past and present,

are the chapters of my life.

They shaped me,

held me,

trusted me,

and taught me what loyalty feels like

when it curls up beside you

and falls asleep.

I did not just grow up with dogs.

I was raised by them.

And I am still being raised

every day

by the ones who walk beside me now.

Autism Test

I took a detailed online autism test at https://personality.co/, though I HAVE been officially diagnosed by my shrink. Here's my results. They're interesting:

Very High Autism Traits

This score suggests that you exhibit very high traits associated with autism, which likely have a strong and consistent impact on your daily life. Individuals in this range often experience significant challenges in social interactions, sensory processing, and adapting to change, but also possess highly specialized skills, intense focus, and strong pattern recognition abilities. You may find that certain environments feel overwhelming, that social communication requires conscious effort, or that routine and predictability are essential to your well-being. While these traits may present difficulties, they also offer unique strengths—many people with very high autism traits excel in areas requiring logic, precision, and deep analytical thinking. By recognizing your needs, preferences, and strengths, you can create a life that accommodates your challenges while emphasizing your natural talents.

Self Awareness:

Understanding Your Score

Your score suggests that autism-related characteristics strongly influence how you think, feel, and interact with the world. You may:

• Struggle significantly with social interactions, requiring direct communication and clear expectations.

• Rely heavily on routine and predictability, finding change or unexpected situations very stressful.

• Experience heightened sensory sensitivities, with strong reactions to noise, light, textures, or certain environments.

• Have intense, specialized interests, often dedicating large amounts of time to specific topics.

Understanding these traits allows you to develop strategies that reduce discomfort while maximizing your abilities.

Your Social Perception

Social situations may feel challenging, confusing, or overwhelming. You may:

• Struggle with nonverbal communication, including body language, eye contact, and tone of voice.

• Prefer structured conversations where expectations and topics are clearly defined.

• Find social norms difficult to understand, leading to misunderstandings.

• Avoid certain social situations due to sensory overload or difficulty processing interactions.

Because of this, you may feel more comfortable engaging with others in controlled settings, online interactions, or one-on-one discussions about shared interests.

Your Cognitive Flexibility

You likely rely on structure, patterns, and familiarity to feel comfortable in daily life. You may:

• Need strict routines to feel grounded, becoming distressed if they are disrupted.

• Find multitasking or sudden changes very challenging, requiring extra time to process transitions.

• Struggle with ambiguity, preferring clear, black-and-white rules.

• Excel in areas where precision and consistency are required, such as technical fields, research, or logic-based problem-solving.

While change can be difficult, creating structured coping strategies can help make transitions more manageable.

Conclusion

Your score in the Very High Autism Traits range suggests that autism-related characteristics strongly shape your experiences, influencing social interactions, sensory processing, and cognitive preferences. While challenges may be present, you also possess valuable strengths such as deep focus, logical reasoning, and strong pattern recognition. By understanding what environments, routines, and communication styles work best for you, you can build a fulfilling life that embraces both your needs and your talents

Emotional Intelligence:

Your Empathy and Social Understanding

Your experience of emotions may differ from neurotypical individuals. You likely:

• Experience emotions deeply but struggle to express them in conventional ways.

• Have a strong sense of justice and fairness, valuing honesty above social expectations.

• Find it difficult to interpret others’ emotions unless they are clearly stated.

• Prefer logical discussions over emotionally-driven conversations.

While your way of processing emotions may be different, it does not mean you lack empathy—it simply means you express and interpret emotions uniquely.

Your Comfort in Social Situations

Social settings may feel mentally and emotionally draining, making structured interactions preferable. You may:

• Struggle to follow group conversations, especially when multiple people are speaking.

• Prefer nonverbal or text-based communication to reduce processing demands.

• Feel isolated or misunderstood, even in social settings where you want to connect.

• Need recovery time after social interactions, as they may feel exhausting.

By identifying communication styles that work best for you, you can create meaningful relationships while minimizing social fatigue.

Interpersonal skills:

Your Interpersonal Relationships

You likely value deep and meaningful connections, even if forming relationships is challenging. You may:

• Have a small but trusted circle of friends rather than a wide social network.

• Prefer relationships based on shared interests rather than emotional bonding alone.

• Struggle with reading between the lines, needing direct and clear communication.

• Have difficulty recognizing unspoken expectations, sometimes leading to misunderstandings.

Despite these challenges, you are likely a loyal and devoted friend, partner, or family member, especially when others understand and respect your communication preferences.

Leadership Qualities:

Your Professional Life

Your strengths may align with specialized, technical, or highly structured careers. You likely:

• Excel in areas requiring deep concentration, logic, and precision.

• Prefer independent work or working in small, familiar teams.

• Need clear expectations, guidelines, and structure to perform at your best.

• Find social aspects of work (meetings, networking) challenging but manageable with preparation.

These traits make you highly suited for careers that emphasize expertise and structured problem-solving.

Your Handling of Power and Authority

In leadership or work environments, you may:

• Prefer roles where expertise is valued over social influence.

• Struggle with office politics but excel in structured decision-making.

• Need clarity in expectations and responsibilities to feel comfortable in leadership roles.

• Lead through precision, organization, and technical skills rather than charisma.

By focusing on clear communication and structured professional environments, you can find leadership styles that align with your strengths.

Problem Solving:

Your Decision-Making and Problem-Solving Skills

You likely approach problems methodically and with intense focus. You may:

• Prefer solving logical, fact-based problems over abstract or emotional ones.

• Take extra time to analyze all possible outcomes before making a decision.

• Excel in recognizing patterns and details that others might miss.

• Struggle with uncertainty or rapid decision-making in unpredictable situations.

These problem-solving skills make you a valuable asset in fields requiring deep analysis, strategy, and structured thinking.

Your Communication Style

Your communication is likely direct, logical, and detailed, which can be an asset in some settings but challenging in others. You may:

• Prefer factual, straightforward discussions over small talk or vague conversations.

• Struggle with implied meanings, sarcasm, or indirect language.

• Find it easier to express thoughts in writing rather than verbally.

• Prefer highly structured conversations rather than spontaneous interactions.

These traits make you an effective communicator in structured, detail-oriented settings but may require adjustments in social or professional environments where ambiguity is common.