Autism Test

I took a detailed online autism test at https://personality.co/, though I HAVE been officially diagnosed by my shrink. Here's my results. They're interesting:

Very High Autism Traits

This score suggests that you exhibit very high traits associated with autism, which likely have a strong and consistent impact on your daily life. Individuals in this range often experience significant challenges in social interactions, sensory processing, and adapting to change, but also possess highly specialized skills, intense focus, and strong pattern recognition abilities. You may find that certain environments feel overwhelming, that social communication requires conscious effort, or that routine and predictability are essential to your well-being. While these traits may present difficulties, they also offer unique strengths—many people with very high autism traits excel in areas requiring logic, precision, and deep analytical thinking. By recognizing your needs, preferences, and strengths, you can create a life that accommodates your challenges while emphasizing your natural talents.

Self Awareness:

Understanding Your Score

Your score suggests that autism-related characteristics strongly influence how you think, feel, and interact with the world. You may:

• Struggle significantly with social interactions, requiring direct communication and clear expectations.

• Rely heavily on routine and predictability, finding change or unexpected situations very stressful.

• Experience heightened sensory sensitivities, with strong reactions to noise, light, textures, or certain environments.

• Have intense, specialized interests, often dedicating large amounts of time to specific topics.

Understanding these traits allows you to develop strategies that reduce discomfort while maximizing your abilities.

Your Social Perception

Social situations may feel challenging, confusing, or overwhelming. You may:

• Struggle with nonverbal communication, including body language, eye contact, and tone of voice.

• Prefer structured conversations where expectations and topics are clearly defined.

• Find social norms difficult to understand, leading to misunderstandings.

• Avoid certain social situations due to sensory overload or difficulty processing interactions.

Because of this, you may feel more comfortable engaging with others in controlled settings, online interactions, or one-on-one discussions about shared interests.

Your Cognitive Flexibility

You likely rely on structure, patterns, and familiarity to feel comfortable in daily life. You may:

• Need strict routines to feel grounded, becoming distressed if they are disrupted.

• Find multitasking or sudden changes very challenging, requiring extra time to process transitions.

• Struggle with ambiguity, preferring clear, black-and-white rules.

• Excel in areas where precision and consistency are required, such as technical fields, research, or logic-based problem-solving.

While change can be difficult, creating structured coping strategies can help make transitions more manageable.

Conclusion

Your score in the Very High Autism Traits range suggests that autism-related characteristics strongly shape your experiences, influencing social interactions, sensory processing, and cognitive preferences. While challenges may be present, you also possess valuable strengths such as deep focus, logical reasoning, and strong pattern recognition. By understanding what environments, routines, and communication styles work best for you, you can build a fulfilling life that embraces both your needs and your talents

Emotional Intelligence:

Your Empathy and Social Understanding

Your experience of emotions may differ from neurotypical individuals. You likely:

• Experience emotions deeply but struggle to express them in conventional ways.

• Have a strong sense of justice and fairness, valuing honesty above social expectations.

• Find it difficult to interpret others’ emotions unless they are clearly stated.

• Prefer logical discussions over emotionally-driven conversations.

While your way of processing emotions may be different, it does not mean you lack empathy—it simply means you express and interpret emotions uniquely.

Your Comfort in Social Situations

Social settings may feel mentally and emotionally draining, making structured interactions preferable. You may:

• Struggle to follow group conversations, especially when multiple people are speaking.

• Prefer nonverbal or text-based communication to reduce processing demands.

• Feel isolated or misunderstood, even in social settings where you want to connect.

• Need recovery time after social interactions, as they may feel exhausting.

By identifying communication styles that work best for you, you can create meaningful relationships while minimizing social fatigue.

Interpersonal skills:

Your Interpersonal Relationships

You likely value deep and meaningful connections, even if forming relationships is challenging. You may:

• Have a small but trusted circle of friends rather than a wide social network.

• Prefer relationships based on shared interests rather than emotional bonding alone.

• Struggle with reading between the lines, needing direct and clear communication.

• Have difficulty recognizing unspoken expectations, sometimes leading to misunderstandings.

Despite these challenges, you are likely a loyal and devoted friend, partner, or family member, especially when others understand and respect your communication preferences.

Leadership Qualities:

Your Professional Life

Your strengths may align with specialized, technical, or highly structured careers. You likely:

• Excel in areas requiring deep concentration, logic, and precision.

• Prefer independent work or working in small, familiar teams.

• Need clear expectations, guidelines, and structure to perform at your best.

• Find social aspects of work (meetings, networking) challenging but manageable with preparation.

These traits make you highly suited for careers that emphasize expertise and structured problem-solving.

Your Handling of Power and Authority

In leadership or work environments, you may:

• Prefer roles where expertise is valued over social influence.

• Struggle with office politics but excel in structured decision-making.

• Need clarity in expectations and responsibilities to feel comfortable in leadership roles.

• Lead through precision, organization, and technical skills rather than charisma.

By focusing on clear communication and structured professional environments, you can find leadership styles that align with your strengths.

Problem Solving:

Your Decision-Making and Problem-Solving Skills

You likely approach problems methodically and with intense focus. You may:

• Prefer solving logical, fact-based problems over abstract or emotional ones.

• Take extra time to analyze all possible outcomes before making a decision.

• Excel in recognizing patterns and details that others might miss.

• Struggle with uncertainty or rapid decision-making in unpredictable situations.

These problem-solving skills make you a valuable asset in fields requiring deep analysis, strategy, and structured thinking.

Your Communication Style

Your communication is likely direct, logical, and detailed, which can be an asset in some settings but challenging in others. You may:

• Prefer factual, straightforward discussions over small talk or vague conversations.

• Struggle with implied meanings, sarcasm, or indirect language.

• Find it easier to express thoughts in writing rather than verbally.

• Prefer highly structured conversations rather than spontaneous interactions.

These traits make you an effective communicator in structured, detail-oriented settings but may require adjustments in social or professional environments where ambiguity is common.

This Body Is Scaring Me, But I’m Not Done Fighting

There’s a particular kind of fear that comes when your own body starts slipping out from under you. Not the dramatic kind, just the slow, creeping kind that shows up in hospital monitors, new diagnoses, and the way your breath catches wrong or your heart decides to improvise without permission. It’s the kind that makes you realize you’re not invincible, not even close.

I’ve been living in that fear lately...

My Body Is a Dumpster Fire and the World Isn’t Helping

 

I spent four days in the hospital this month. Four days of COPD flare ups, bowel pain that turned out to be colitis, and the constant hum of atrial fibrillation reminding me that my body has its own agenda. Hospitals are supposed to stabilize you, but for me, they do the opposite. Every time I am admitted, they screw up my insulin and my psych meds, and I end up spiraling into a bipolar storm of rage, despair, and hopelessness. I do not start recovering until I am home and can rebuild my psychiatric balance on my own terms.

I have been out for three days now, and instead of relief, it feels like the universe is running a stress test on my soul. Sam and I keep arguing. My Amazon orders are delayed or disappearing into the void. My internet is slower than a tree slug on vacation. My body hurts from sitting in a chair for the first time in a year. And layered on top of all of that is the constant, exhausting noise of the country, the kind of background chaos that seeps into your bones even when you try to tune it out.

It is too much.  

It is all too much.

What I want, what I crave, is peace. Serenity. A moment where my body is not screaming, my mind is not spiraling, and the world is not demanding something from me. I want a life that feels like mine again, not something I am barely surviving.

And maybe that starts with saying it out loud.  

I am tired. I am hurting. I am overwhelmed.  

And I deserve a little damn peace.

Health stuff

 

So, my health is out of control.

I am 370 pounds and have really not gotten out of my bed for months, except to go to appointments or for a couple of hospital stays. I use a bedside commode and just kind of sit here all day on the laptop. It's not sustainable and things are about to change...

House Call Doc!

 I finally found a physician whose entire practice is house calls, and who accepts my insurance and comes all the way out here to Assfuck Nowhere, Texas. He is coming Friday regarding the UTI I developed in the last few days...

Psych update and coping mechanisms

I have been unable to get one of my psych meds prescribed for some reason. my shrink can't do it and neither can my PCP. I'm pretty sure that it's a controlled substance.

Anyways, I have been very stable and doing well, so I think I'll stop trying to get the scrip written. If I start having symptoms, I'll take buspar for a few days until it mellows out. That's what I did this last time, and it worked well, although I was kind of a zombie while I was taking it every 6 hours. But it was only a few days, and then I felt even again and stopped the tranquilizer...