The Weight of Forty Years

Forty plus years ago, I spent one spring and summer where I had no job and couldn't find one. I was stripping one night a week and paid $25 for that, plus any tips customers stuffed in my g-string, which was usually about $10-15 a night. So my income was no more than $40 a week. I had to eat, and I needed cigarettes, which I considered a priority.

During that time, I ate nothing but one  $1 hot dog a day, loaded down with ketchup, mustard, relish, onion, and kraut, because toppings were free. I ended up losing over 90 pounds. I was emaciated, I was weak, and jesus FUCK was I hungry.

When I finally got a job, working in a diner/ice cream parlor, with a 50% food discount, I ate everything in sight. I worked 7-2, and would eat breakfast during my 15 minute break, lunch during my half hour, and then another meal after work.

This was all fried food, burgers, fish and chips, fries, chicken fingers, and oh, yeah, frappes and sundaes. Fully half my paycheck was deducted to pay for all this, and I was bringing home $100 or so a week, including tips.

I gained back everything I'd lost. And the weight kept coming. I got bigger and bigger as my eating got out of control.

Bigger and bigger and bigger over the course of forty years. It affected my health, my mobility, my self-esteem, my mental state. Don't let anyone tell you "healthy at any size", because that weight inevitably catches up with you and overwhelms your physical state.

I finally topped out last year at 370 pounds. At that point, I knew shit had to change. I went to my doctor and got on Ozempic.

Since I've been on the full dose, I have lost more than 40 pounds. My goal is to get to at least as low as 250. I think at 250 I'll be able to walk to the damn bathroom again, at least.

I am addressing my very complex and fucked up food issues with my therapist, because it is time. Time to take control and time to put the damn fork down.

Time to reclaim my life.

Ink, Strings, and Serenity OR Happy Little Clouds

There is a specific kind of silence that happens the moment I cap my pen after finishing a Zentangle. My hand is usually a bit cramped from the precision of the patterns, but my mind is finally quiet. To keep that peace from evaporating, I reach for my ukulele. The transition from the visual rhythm of ink on paper to the literal vibration of strings against my fingertips is where I find my center.

It’s a world of tiny, deliberate wonders. One hour I’m watching a Shrinky Dink curl and toughen under the heat, and the next I’m assembling an angel keychain, bead by bead. These aren't just crafts; they are anchors. In a world that feels increasingly loud and disposable, these small acts of creation are how I claim my space.

41 Pounds of Irony (And Zero Regrets)

I’ve been dropping weight since November. Just grinding it out, watching the scale tick down from 374. I hit 333 and felt like I was finally getting a handle on my own skin.

Then, a few weeks ago, the doctors decided to drop the other shoe: COPD. They handed me a three to five year sentence like it was a piece of junk mail.

Talk about a cosmic joke. I quit smoking two years ago, and let me tell you, that was harder than fuck. If I’d gotten this diagnosis back then, I probably would’ve gone straight out and bought another pack just to spite the world. But I didn't. I stuck it out because I like not stinking of smoke, and I like not having one hand permanently occupied by a cigarette. Most of all, I like not having to haul my ass outside 40 to 60 times a day just to feed the beast.

I spent two years reclaiming my time and four months shedding 41 pounds of gravity, just to find out my lungs are trying to quit the team anyway.

Carpe the Fucking Diem

So my COPD is stage two moving into stage three.

What does this mean?

3-5 years remaining to me. 4-6 if I'm really lucky and extremely diligent.

I did this to myself. I knew I was risking an early death with my chain smoking. Now it's a reality, not just a risk.

Reclaiming Joy: From Chronic Pain to Creative Flow

It’s been years since I felt this kind of creative spark, and honestly, I’m just wallowing in it.

For a long time, I let hand arthritis convince me that my crafting days were over. I packed up the beads, put away the clay, and assumed that part of my life was a closed chapter. 

The Myth of the “Great Dad" and the Reality of Child Neglect

Trigger Warning: Child abuse both physical and sexual, serious neglect

I have come to realize that my father was not the great man everyone insists he was. People love to build legends out of the bare minimum, and he benefited from that more than most. They thought he was the world's greatest man and father, because he was raising two girls "all by himself".

My sister was raised by her best friend's family, in their home, where she essentially lived from age 7 to 15. I stayed home until I was ten and moved in with my mother for a year. Then St. Ann's and being trained like a wild dog. Ma and St. Ann's staff were the people who taught me how to fake it enough to survive in normal people situations. 

The truth about Dad is simpler and uglier. He did not protect me. He did not teach me. He did not discipline me. He neglected me so thoroughly that it shaped the entire trajectory of my childhood.

Creating, Growing, and Returning to Life

For a long time, I thought my creative life had gone quiet. Not dead, just sleeping under a pile of exhaustion, pain, and the everyday grind of being a human with a body that doesn’t always cooperate. But lately something has cracked open again. I’ve been wandering back into the arts like someone returning to a house they used to live in. Everything feels familiar, but also new in ways I didn’t expect..

When Bipolar Disorder Takes Another Life, The Stigma Should Be What Dies Next

 

Image courtesy Unsplash.Com - work of Paolo Nicolello

Robert Carradine died by suicide today after a long fight with bipolar disorder. The news hit me harder than I expected. Not because I knew him personally, but because I know the illness that took him. I know what it feels like when your own brain turns into a battlefield. I know what it feels like to lose the fight for a moment and still be here to talk about it. I have been there. I have survived it. And I am tired of pretending that bipolar disorder is anything other than a medical condition that deserves compassion and treatment.

Every time someone with bipolar disorder or another mental illness dies, the world reacts with shock. People ask how it could happen. People whisper. People speculate. But very few people talk about the truth. Bipolar disorder is not a character flaw. It is not a weakness. It is not a failure of willpower. It is a brain chemistry disorder that can be brutal, unpredictable, and exhausting. It deserves the same seriousness and empathy we give to heart disease or cancer or any other life threatening condition.

But that is not how society treats it...

If There Is a God, Explain This

I have started to wonder if maybe I believe in something bigger than me. Not in the churchy, hymn and halo way, but in the quiet, exhausted way you reach for a blanket when the world feels too sharp. Sometimes the idea of a god is comforting. Not because I am convinced, but because the alternative is feeling like I am free falling through a universe that does not care if I land...

Autism Test

I took a detailed online autism test at https://personality.co/, though I HAVE been officially diagnosed by my shrink. Here's my results. They're interesting:

Very High Autism Traits

This score suggests that you exhibit very high traits associated with autism, which likely have a strong and consistent impact on your daily life. Individuals in this range often experience significant challenges in social interactions, sensory processing, and adapting to change, but also possess highly specialized skills, intense focus, and strong pattern recognition abilities. You may find that certain environments feel overwhelming, that social communication requires conscious effort, or that routine and predictability are essential to your well-being. While these traits may present difficulties, they also offer unique strengths—many people with very high autism traits excel in areas requiring logic, precision, and deep analytical thinking. By recognizing your needs, preferences, and strengths, you can create a life that accommodates your challenges while emphasizing your natural talents.

Self Awareness:

Understanding Your Score

Your score suggests that autism-related characteristics strongly influence how you think, feel, and interact with the world. You may:

• Struggle significantly with social interactions, requiring direct communication and clear expectations.

• Rely heavily on routine and predictability, finding change or unexpected situations very stressful.

• Experience heightened sensory sensitivities, with strong reactions to noise, light, textures, or certain environments.

• Have intense, specialized interests, often dedicating large amounts of time to specific topics.

Understanding these traits allows you to develop strategies that reduce discomfort while maximizing your abilities.

Your Social Perception

Social situations may feel challenging, confusing, or overwhelming. You may:

• Struggle with nonverbal communication, including body language, eye contact, and tone of voice.

• Prefer structured conversations where expectations and topics are clearly defined.

• Find social norms difficult to understand, leading to misunderstandings.

• Avoid certain social situations due to sensory overload or difficulty processing interactions.

Because of this, you may feel more comfortable engaging with others in controlled settings, online interactions, or one-on-one discussions about shared interests.

Your Cognitive Flexibility

You likely rely on structure, patterns, and familiarity to feel comfortable in daily life. You may:

• Need strict routines to feel grounded, becoming distressed if they are disrupted.

• Find multitasking or sudden changes very challenging, requiring extra time to process transitions.

• Struggle with ambiguity, preferring clear, black-and-white rules.

• Excel in areas where precision and consistency are required, such as technical fields, research, or logic-based problem-solving.

While change can be difficult, creating structured coping strategies can help make transitions more manageable.

Conclusion

Your score in the Very High Autism Traits range suggests that autism-related characteristics strongly shape your experiences, influencing social interactions, sensory processing, and cognitive preferences. While challenges may be present, you also possess valuable strengths such as deep focus, logical reasoning, and strong pattern recognition. By understanding what environments, routines, and communication styles work best for you, you can build a fulfilling life that embraces both your needs and your talents

Emotional Intelligence:

Your Empathy and Social Understanding

Your experience of emotions may differ from neurotypical individuals. You likely:

• Experience emotions deeply but struggle to express them in conventional ways.

• Have a strong sense of justice and fairness, valuing honesty above social expectations.

• Find it difficult to interpret others’ emotions unless they are clearly stated.

• Prefer logical discussions over emotionally-driven conversations.

While your way of processing emotions may be different, it does not mean you lack empathy—it simply means you express and interpret emotions uniquely.

Your Comfort in Social Situations

Social settings may feel mentally and emotionally draining, making structured interactions preferable. You may:

• Struggle to follow group conversations, especially when multiple people are speaking.

• Prefer nonverbal or text-based communication to reduce processing demands.

• Feel isolated or misunderstood, even in social settings where you want to connect.

• Need recovery time after social interactions, as they may feel exhausting.

By identifying communication styles that work best for you, you can create meaningful relationships while minimizing social fatigue.

Interpersonal skills:

Your Interpersonal Relationships

You likely value deep and meaningful connections, even if forming relationships is challenging. You may:

• Have a small but trusted circle of friends rather than a wide social network.

• Prefer relationships based on shared interests rather than emotional bonding alone.

• Struggle with reading between the lines, needing direct and clear communication.

• Have difficulty recognizing unspoken expectations, sometimes leading to misunderstandings.

Despite these challenges, you are likely a loyal and devoted friend, partner, or family member, especially when others understand and respect your communication preferences.

Leadership Qualities:

Your Professional Life

Your strengths may align with specialized, technical, or highly structured careers. You likely:

• Excel in areas requiring deep concentration, logic, and precision.

• Prefer independent work or working in small, familiar teams.

• Need clear expectations, guidelines, and structure to perform at your best.

• Find social aspects of work (meetings, networking) challenging but manageable with preparation.

These traits make you highly suited for careers that emphasize expertise and structured problem-solving.

Your Handling of Power and Authority

In leadership or work environments, you may:

• Prefer roles where expertise is valued over social influence.

• Struggle with office politics but excel in structured decision-making.

• Need clarity in expectations and responsibilities to feel comfortable in leadership roles.

• Lead through precision, organization, and technical skills rather than charisma.

By focusing on clear communication and structured professional environments, you can find leadership styles that align with your strengths.

Problem Solving:

Your Decision-Making and Problem-Solving Skills

You likely approach problems methodically and with intense focus. You may:

• Prefer solving logical, fact-based problems over abstract or emotional ones.

• Take extra time to analyze all possible outcomes before making a decision.

• Excel in recognizing patterns and details that others might miss.

• Struggle with uncertainty or rapid decision-making in unpredictable situations.

These problem-solving skills make you a valuable asset in fields requiring deep analysis, strategy, and structured thinking.

Your Communication Style

Your communication is likely direct, logical, and detailed, which can be an asset in some settings but challenging in others. You may:

• Prefer factual, straightforward discussions over small talk or vague conversations.

• Struggle with implied meanings, sarcasm, or indirect language.

• Find it easier to express thoughts in writing rather than verbally.

• Prefer highly structured conversations rather than spontaneous interactions.

These traits make you an effective communicator in structured, detail-oriented settings but may require adjustments in social or professional environments where ambiguity is common.