I have started to wonder if maybe I believe in something bigger than me. Not in the churchy, hymn and halo way, but in the quiet, exhausted way you reach for a blanket when the world feels too sharp. Sometimes the idea of a god is comforting. Not because I am convinced, but because the alternative is feeling like I am free falling through a universe that does not care if I land...
But then I look around. I think about kids who never get a childhood. I think about people trapped in war zones, people in Gaza and Ukraine whose lives are shattered by forces they never chose. I think about suffering that feels so massive and so pointless it makes my non-existent teeth hurt.
And in those moments, if there is a god, it is hard not to think that it is a terrible one. What kind of being watches this and shrugs. What kind of cosmic parent lets their kids burn and calls it a plan. If that is the god on offer, I do not want it. I don't need comfort that comes with that kind of cruelty baked in.
So I sit in the middle, wanting something gentle to hold onto, but refusing to worship anything that lets the world break like this.
I'm not sure if I can believe in a god that's supposed to be living and just. I think whatever higher power exists, it doesn't care terribly much on a global scale. It might care on an individual basis. For me, that's my higher self, or ID, though, not a god.
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