Marshmallow Peeps Are Proof That God Has Forsaken Us

I don't know about you, but when I look at a Marshmallow Peep I don’t see a treat; I see a chemical glow that has no business existing in nature. It’s a neon warning sign in the shape of a bird. Then comes that first bite - that weird, gritty mouthfeel where the sugar crystals scrape against your teeth like fine-grit sandpaper, followed immediately by the soul-crushing squish of a marshmallow that feels less like food and more like a damp, sugary tire.

Baby Poop Soup

I came up with this recipe years ago when I was trying to lose weight. It's high in veggies, low in carbs and calories, and very satisfying. It makes an excellent cold summer soup or hot winter soup. I called it Baby Poop Soup because the only other place I ever saw this shade of green was my daughter's diaper.

Vegan Lasagna

Before anybody asks, no, I'm not vegan. I am an absolute omnivore and I like meat quite a lot. But I also enjoy vegetarian and vegan dishes.

I invented this vegan lasagna some time in the early 90s, and my tofu hating friend asked for seconds when I fed it to him without telling him.

You'll want these ingredients:

Health stuff

 

So, my health is out of control.

I am 370 pounds and have really not gotten out of my bed for months, except to go to appointments or for a couple of hospital stays. I use a bedside commode and just kind of sit here all day on the laptop. It's not sustainable and things are about to change...

Here we go again...

Here we go again, back on the chain gang...

My Vegemite Initiation

I wrote this many MANY years ago about the sticky black salty ambrosia called Vegemite. I reproduce it here for your enjoyment. Brace yourself, it's gonna get weird!...

More on Vegemite, just because!

I fucking LOVE Vegemite.

It's thick, viscous, salty, and kind of musty tasting, and it positively REEKS of yeast. You do not GROW to like it, you either do or you don't. There is positively no middle ground. You love it or you despise it. Period. Nobody has EVER said, "Well, when it comes to Vegemite, I can take it or leave it!"...

Apple Cider Memories

This is the SHIZNIT!

I used to go apple picking in Amherst every autumn. Then we would go to our friend's farm in Shutesberry where he had an old fashioned wooden cider press, and make the best fucking cider!

Those were marvelous days. Cool crisp air, but warm sun. Leaves beginning to turn. Apples heavy on the trees. Macintosh, of course. Climbing orchard ladders and choosing apples without worm holes, because I'm fussy like that. Laughing with my Dad and our friends. Then back to Robert Brown's farm, where we would throw all the apples into the press and take turns cranking the press down to squeeze the juice out of the apples, leaving a pulpy mess behind that Robert would feed to his pigs.

Then into the farmhouse with the fresh pressed cider, toss some into a soup pot with some cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves, and sit around the fireplace drinking hot mulled cider, eating fresh popped popcorn, and more laughter and love and fun. Those were absolutely great times and I sorely miss them.

Can't get good cider in Texas (OR Macintosh apples!). All the cider they have looks and tastes just like regular apple juice. Here's a pic:

Apple Juice. That is all.

I miss that thick and pulpy tart brown cider. Man, that's the stuff!

Waiting SUCKS!

 

I am waiting on my grocery delivery from Amazon. Ugh.

Later today, lawyer meeting.

Monday, doctor's appointment.

Ian is coming over today to help sort out getting the viruses off of Patti's phone.

I actually spend time doing other things.

I Tried to Kill My Sister With a Condiment. It Was Worth It

Thinking back on the time I was alone at the dinner table when I was 5 or 6, and the food was on it. It was hamburgers, and I grabbed the ketchup and put some on my sister’s burger, then I added a HELL of a lot of Tabasco.

When they came to dinner, I said to big sister that I had fixed her burger for her, all sweetness and light. She thanked me, took a big bite, and began choking and crying. As I recall, I got away with it, the adults thinking I didn’t know Tabasco would burn her tongue.

Little did they know that I was an evil little shit, getting a little revenge on my big sister who would dig her fingernails into my forearm when she was mad at me!

My sister and I are MUCH nicer to each other now. At some point around the time our father died, we called a general truce, and while there have been spats over the years, either one of us would drop everything to help the other out of a bad spot.

Nobody knows you like your sibling that grew up in the same home environment with you. Nobody understands the forces that made you like your sibling. Treasure them.

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#CHILDHOOD
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#JOKE