PARODY SPEECH: "THE SMART PEOPLE PROBLEM"

 

PARODY SPEECH: "THE SMART PEOPLE PROBLEM"

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, thank you. What a crowd. What a tremendous crowd. Probably the biggest crowd ever assembled to hear someone talk about how smart people don’t like them. And let me tell you, nobody gets disliked by smart people better than me. Nobody.

Now, I’ve always said, I love smart people. I do. I hire the best. I went to Wharton, which is like the Harvard of business schools, except better because I went there. But these so-called “intellectuals” - you know the type - glasses, tweed jackets, probably allergic to manual labor—they don’t like me. They don’t! And it’s very unfair. Very unfair.

They say, “Oh, Trump doesn’t read books.” Well guess what? I don’t need to read books. I write history. I make history. I am the book. If Lincoln had Twitter, he’d be tweeting like me. Believe me.

These smart people, they sit in their ivory towers, sipping lattes, using words like “nuance” and “epistemology.” I say, “What’s wrong with simple words? Like ‘great,’ ‘tremendous,’ ‘winning.’” Those are powerful words. Strong words. Words that built America.

And they say, “He’s not intellectually curious.” Folks, I’m curious. I’m very curious. I once asked if windmills cause cancer. That’s curiosity. That’s science. That’s leadership.

But here’s the truth: smart people don’t like me because I don’t play their little games. I don’t bow to the academic elite. I don’t use semicolons. I don’t pretend to like NPR. I like winners. I like gold. I like buildings with my name on them. And I like America.

So to all the smart people out there who don’t like me—I say this: you may have your degrees, your awards, your fancy vocabulary. But I’ve got something better. I’ve got the people. I’ve got the ratings. And I’ve got the best words.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of Trump—I mean, America.

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Q&A SESSION

Q: Mr. Trump, why do you think intellectuals criticize your policies?

A: Because they’re jealous. They spent years getting degrees and I got elected. I win, they whine. It’s very simple.

Q: What do you say to scientists who dispute your claims?

A: I say, “Show me your ratings.” If you’re so smart, why aren’t you trending? I trust the people more than the lab coats.

Q: Do you believe in climate change?

A: I believe in air conditioning. I believe in golf weather. I believe in not freezing in winter. That’s my climate policy.

Q: What’s your message to college professors?

A: Get a real job. Build something. Open a casino. Write a book with pictures. Stop grading papers and start grading greatness.

Q: Are you anti-intellectual?

A: No! I’m pro-success. I’m pro-common sense. I’m pro-America. If that makes me anti-intellectual, then call me the Einstein of winning.