Hypocrites, Liars, Charlatans, and Sheep

I’ll never forget the January when the headlines were all full of Oral Roberts telling his followers that Gawd A’Mighty had TOLD him that if he didn’t raise $8 million dollars by March, then God would strike Brutha Oral down and kill him.

Because GAWD really needed Oral to have another fucking Rolls Royce, right?

And his idiot sheep followers bought it. Jim Bakker’s followers STILL buy it when that absolute criminal says Gawd told him such and so. Jimmy Swaggart. Pat Robertson, Creflo Dollar, Benny Hinn, they all have a red phone on their desk and Gawd calls them on the regular, or so they say. And the people who follow them just eat that shit up.

Terry Pratchett said, in his book Small Gods, “The merest accident of microgeography had meant that the first man to hear the voice of Om, and who gave Om his view of humans, was a shepherd and not a goatherd. They have quite different ways of looking at the world, and the whole of history might have been different. For sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.”

I’d far rather be the goat that I am, instead of a sheep being driven into stupidity and hypocrisy.

In the Holly Bibbly, Jeebus explains the grave consequences of being a false prophet: “Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’” (Matthew 7:19–23).

I mean, the Holly Bibbly is a complete work of fiction, but all of the people following these false prophets despite what their Lard and LifeSaver said about it, OBVIOUSLY don’t know their Bibbly very well. They are Cafeteria Christians, picking and choosing what parts of the Bible to agree with.

Here’s some more Bibbly poop that these self-avowed Christians don’t bother to pay attention to. It’s from the book of Matthew, chapter 25, verses 31-46. My paste is from the NIV.

31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 

32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 

33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. Heaven FORBID those self-righteous piss gargling fuckwads ever actually HELP other human beings.

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 

35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 

36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 

38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 3

9 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 

42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 

43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.

If, as they believe, there is a hell, I will be the one dancing on red hot coals when they arrive, and laughing in their faces. Me and Ozzy Osbourne and Sid Vicious.

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