So my COPD is stage two moving into stage three.
What does this mean?
3-5 years remaining to me. 4-6 if I'm really lucky and extremely diligent.
I did this to myself. I knew I was risking an early death with my chain smoking. Now it's a reality, not just a risk.
Fuck it. Nobody knows when they will die. We may have a fatal diagnosis, as I do, but death can still come any time before or after that. For example, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, or go to Walmart the same day next week that a mass shooter does. Or I could manage to eke out a few more months or years. We just don't know.
Death comes when it comes. I am not going to sit here pitying myself because my timeline appears to be truncated. That would be such a fucking waste of what I have in my life that brings joy and happiness.
I will live each day as if there is no tomorrow. I will continue to work on my weight, so that I can regain some measure of decent health. I will endeavor to rebuild strength in my legs so I can get out of the damn wheelchair.
I will gather my family and my friends and hold them near and dear. I will giggle at my dogs' antics, and create art and read books and enjoy extremely violent movies like John Wick and Boondock Saints.
There is music to listen to, food to savor, flowers to smell, recipes to make, Zentangles to tangle, embroidery to stitch, Photoshop to manipulate. There is writing just begging me to get it done.
And when my day does get here, I don't plan on having any regrets about wasting what time I had left.
I will carpe the fucking diem, bitches.
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