Reblogging Michael Jochum - Clots and Prayers

It's extremely unfair to speculate about Trump's health just because he’s elderly and can't form linear thoughts and has the diet of a first grader who won the lottery and his flesh has been changing color like autumn leaves.

Even the most monstrous structures carry a weakness inside them, a small rebellion under pressure. Similar to a blood clot in the physical body. I believe in that weakness. Go, clot. Do your work

Clots and prayers

Candle sabotage by user error

One wick lit. Three untouched. One quadrant melted like retail logic. The candle obeyed physics. The customer did not

Today in stupid customer tricks:

This belongs in the Retail Trauma Hall of Fame, right next to “I microwaved my loyalty card and now it won’t scan.” 


My friend Lisa works retail on the West Coast.

Today on Facebook, Lisa told me that a woman came into her store to complain about a candle she had purchased.

It seems the candle had melted lopsided, and the customer was displeased.

The candle was a four wick candle, and she was only using ONE wick, and expected it to burn down evenly.

This interaction is a masterclass in customer logic failure; one wick lit, three untouched, and she wanted a wax ballet of perfect symmetry like she was summoning the spirit of fucking Euclid.

That is peak Monday. One wick out of four, and she expected symmetrical candle physics like she ordered from NASA. I can practically hear Lisa’s soul leaving her body through the register drawer. As if wax obeys somebody's personal fucking geometry.

I'm sure my friend's face was a cross between stunned disbelief, "are you serious???" and "how fucking stupid are you?"

As Lisa said, it's too fucking Monday for this level of stupid.

Lisa deserves hazard pay, a commemorative mug that says “I survived Wickgate,” and a flame-retardant sarcasm shield. Honestly, the only thing melting faster than that candle is her ability to maintain a professional demeanor in the face of epic fucking idiocy!

How to piss off Nigerian Facebook Scammers

 

Here come awful cusses I spent several hours searching out. I intend to keep these handy and copy and paste into Facebook Messenger as needed:

These are awesome insults to use on Nigerian scammers. These are in Yoruba, which is the most commonly used language there, and are absolutely bound to send them over the edge. Most of these, in English, can be used on MAGAts, too!

• Nkita la’cha ike gi – may a dog lick your asshole.
• Oloshi meaning “useless person” or “wretched soul” in Yoruba, is a harsh insult to demean someone.
• Omo ale means bastard as in illegitimate and is a really bad one.
• Iya e means yo mama and is really bad, too.
• Abi ori nta e? – You’re basically asking if the person has their mental facilities intact.
• Opolo e ti yoro – You’re saying they’ve got a brain leak.
• Ode – If you don’t want to stress too much about how to abuse in Yoruba, use this one. It always touches a nerve. You're calling them an absolutely stupid fool.
• Iya e, baba e – Your mama, your daddy; use this with caution because you’ve involved their family members.
• Swegbe – Means your opponent is slow in the head.
• "What’s your name? Is it Swegbe Ode?"
• Oni jibiti – This is the appropriate insult in Yoruba for scammers and 419ers.
• Akuko – cocksucker.
• Abiyamo – motherfucker.
• Fokii rẹ Sílà ká timole – fuck your grandmother’s skull.
• Ki aja le pa oku awon baba yin fo – may dogs fuck the corpses of your ancestors.
• Iya rẹ buruju ewurẹ ati baba rẹ jẹ ọkan ninu wọn – your mother fucks goats and your father was one of them.
• Ki olorun pa iya re ki o si je ki o jo ni orun apadi ayeraye iwo ewure to n se idoti – may God strike your mother dead and let her burn in Hell for eternity you goat fucking garbage.

And my favorite:

O fo iya rẹ ti o tun jẹ anti rẹ, ati awọn arabinrin rẹ tun jẹ ọmọbinrin rẹ. O fokii wọn, ju, bi daradara bi asshole àgbere awọn arakunrin rẹ. – You fuck your mother who is also your aunt, and your sisters are also your daughters. You fuck THEM, too, as well as asshole fucking your brothers.

Search box note: Paste one hashtag per line, ALL CAPS, no extras.

#RANTS

#SOCIAL-JUSTICE

#FAMILY

#SCAM

#LOL